• 4 Posts
  • 344 Comments
Joined 6 months ago
Cake day: May 7th, 2024
  • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.worldtoNot The Onion@lemmy.world•The Onion buys rightwing conspiracy theory site Infowars with plans to make it ‘very funny, very stupid’English
    141·
    14 hours ago

    “Dear Onion readers. We here at the Onion can take pride in releasing regular quality absurdist humor in the form of satire news. In recent years real life events have pushed the boundries of absurdism. We’d recently published such articles as ‘Thanksgiving politics ends in nine year old comitting manslaughter’ to which 3 years later would seem less of absurdism, and more of a thing that actually happened. What we’re trying to say is, we would just love it if the real world could just stop being so stupid. We are trying to create dumb articles which rely on the concept of presenting a perspective that lowers the bar. How are we supposed to do that when the now president elect was seen for months spouting off the dumbest bullshit? I mean really America…eating cats and dogs? Maybe the boomers were right. Maybe marijuanna SHOULD be illegal. With rise of legal weed, you all clearly voted while high. How are we supposed to lower the bar of intelligence, when we’re limboing underground?”

    This is how I’d write the next Onion article.

  • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.worldtoNot The Onion@lemmy.world•Taliban Official Mocks US for Rejecting Kamala Harris: 'Americans Are Not Ready to Hand Over' Country 'to a Woman'English
    926·
    5 days ago

    I mean…they’re trolling, but they also aren’t wrong. America have now twice ran a female candidate against trump, and twice lost. People forget that trump did not run for president 3 times. He’s run for president 5 times.

    That means he’s lost 3 times when his competition were men. He won both times his competition were women. With the latest round even getting the popular vote.

    America is sending a clear signal that they DON’T want a woman as president. Whether you personally agree or not, is irrelevant. People made their choices heard at the polls this past week. The results have shown that we want a facist dictator to rule with an iron fist, who’s in charge of everything. Who appoints lifelong judges. Who decides how overseas wars will be handled. With no red tape. With no restrictions. With no checks or balances.

    America twice were given the choice of him, or a woman. Both times, they chose him. This will completely set women candidates back 20 years. AOC, Elizabeth Warren, these are people who just watched any chance they had in the distant future of being president vanish in 1 night.

    This is not an invasion. I don’t see any evidence of election tampering. I don’t see any fraud. I only see a stupid public. Nobody forced this on us. We chose this. America chose this.

    If you’ve seen any of my other long winded posts the past few days, yes I am repeating myself. I’m just in shock that America chose this.

    So, the taliban saying America isn’t ready for a woman…they aren’t wrong. They’re assholes, and they’re absolutely trolling. But they aren’t wrong. America chose this…

  • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.worldtoPrivacy Guides@lemmy.one•Creators of This Police Location Tracking Tool Aren't Vetting Buyers. Here's How To Protect YourselfEnglish
    17·
    6 days ago

    For the past 20 years I’ve been saying to people who wouldn’t listen, we need to make sure all this new technology works FOR us, and not AGAINST us.

    I’m a firm believer in spectrums. And I firmly believe that every possible eventuality on a spectrum of outcomes has an equal chance of happening. The only controling factors are the variables which dictate a set of events.

    What this means is just because people do things one way, and have always done things one way, doesn’t mean they always will do things one way.

    Basically, we have an equal chance of adolph hitler coming back from the dead, as we do jesus coming back from the dead. Those two events have equal likelyhood. And everything in between is also fair game.

    So when I was saying in the early 2000s, that given the right tools, and the wrong authority, the internet could be used as a privacy invasion tool to spy on all americans. No one cared.

    Then in 2012, when the whole Edward Snowden thing came out, I thought “Ok. This will be the thing to get Americans angry, and demand transparency from their governmemt. They’ll begin to place importance on privacy.”

    Nope. They STILL didn’t care. My mom still thinks I made up the whole concept of the NSA. Not the concept of the NSA spying on us. She thinks I made of the core concept of what the NSA is. And when I asked her at the time if I made up the NSA, then who is Edward Snowden, and what did he do?"

    Her response was “Someone you made up too.” When I asked her how he’s in the news if I made him up, she said “I never heard him on the news.”

    That was when I knew it was pointless. There was nothing stopping the government from spying on us, and as I’d see years later, nothing stopping cops from abusing power.

    So now I know, for every George Floyd who makes the news, theres 1000 more that don’t, whose cops go unchecked. And the publics response is indifference, because it didn’t affect them.

    And now this.

    WE will read this story. It WILL be used against people. It won’t make the news. There will be no outrage. Then one day, your daughter may have an unplanned pregnancy. I’m not even going to go full hysteria and say rape baby. I’m saying your daughter will have stupid sex, with no condom, regardless of age, 14, 28, doesn’t matter. What matters is she’s pregnant, and it will ruin her life.

    So now she goes out of state, and gets an abortion. Then she’s arrested because they tracked her. NOW it affects you. Now your daughter is doing 20 years in jail for “murder”.

    And the only way this stops, is something that will never happen. The way to end this, is for women to give birth to the baby, then kill 3 men, then kill the baby on the steps of their states capitol in a way that’s very violent. Blood everywhere. It needs to capture the news attention. Then kills herself. THEN that needs to be a trend. For the anti-abortion law existing to not only reduce population, but punishes men specifically. And then cause emotional outrage among women for having to see dead baby blood on the capitol daily.

    But that won’t happen. It won’t happen because even me typing that is going to anger the majority of you. It may even get my post deleted. But that same sense of being offended is exactly the mentality that will get it to stop.

    Instead, everyone will ignore everyone elses problems, until it becomes their problems. Everybody wants a safe space, but nobody is willing to fight for it…and that’s exactly what they use against us to pass bills that control us. Knowing the fight just won’t materialize. And until some drastic extreme fight is brought to their doorstep, they’ll just keep going.

  • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.worldtoMildly Infuriating@lemmy.world•5 days with new phone number - 84 spam callsEnglish
    21·
    10 days ago

    Just answer every phone call with “Hello, this is ham.” And then onwards, every single sentence you say…is about ham. But also completely unhelpful to the conversation.

    “Well, Hello Mr Ham. I’m just calling today to let you know about this great oppertunity from our next presidident, Donald Trump.”

    “Ham is sometimes salty”

    “Uhhhh…Well, Mr Trump is seeking donations from real american patriots like yourself”

    “Give me ham.”

    “Ham?”

    “HAM!!!”

    “I don’t understand, are you saying Ham, like the food?”

    “ALL THE HAM IN MY MOUTH!!!”

    “Ok…we can get you some ham. We just need a donation of $50.00 today.”

    “Ham runs all my descisions.”

    “I…don’t understand.”

    “Yes, this is ham. Can I cheese you? Right in the ham?”

    “Are you ok?”

    “Ham.”

    This should preferably go on for 10 hours.